User talk:TwitchyFromCreepypasta.org
EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:07, October 11, 2015 (UTC) Re: Story Starting with the basics, a typical paragraph has 5-10 sentences. Your story was broken into three paragraphs with upwards of 20 sentences in each one which made it quite blocky and difficult to read. You need to include a complete space (see this in editor mode for an example) in-between your paragraphs. That's a smaller issue, but it really saves a lot of work for the editors viewing the page. Wording issues: "The room was a rectangular one with no door, and only a window on one of the shorter sides to offer any means of moving out of the room." (try to avoid reusing words like "the room" in the same sentence) "His white toilet and white sink, white bed and white table with a plate, knife and fork already prepared.", "Black as pitch, but for his teeth" (Incomplete sentences) "Daniel overlooked (overlooked isn't the right word here) his blankets, rushing bedraggled to the window, panting at it as he peered through it (redundant as you've already referenced the item), rubbing sleep from his eyes." Awkward wording: "Not in spatial location, had it moved, only, the people in the room within the painting had moved.", "In the swirling mire of white in which he was, the color consistently provided day after day by his painting was a tower of refuge in normalcy and consistency.", etc. Try reading those aloud to see the issue. Capitalization issues: "Daniel Looked (looked) out the window an beheld his painting.", "“that (That) a boy!” or a more supportive, “c’mon (C'mon), lad!”." These are capitalized as they are complete sentences of dialogue. You only leave it uncapitalized if you're using a fragment of dialogue. "The doctor was dead on the floor of the room, a small but reasonable pool of blood beneath him. sadly (Sadly), the painting was a limited work, lacking in some artistic aspects, thus it was not extremely realistic, but the blood was painted with due diligence. Grammar: "it’s toothy grin." it's=it is its=possession. Punctuation issues: "“Alright, now we can go.(comma)” it hissed", "“Sorry, mother.(,)” he apologized," (as the preceding words are a continuation of the sentence.) Story issues: While it is an interesting premise, this needs quite a bit of fleshing out. Why is Daniel there? Is he trapped, is he a prisoner? Explaining these things build up the story. Additionally the ending in which he is subsumed into the painting could use some reference to it early and statement of intent. As it stands, he just wakes up in the painting and the audience really doesn't know why. (That doesn't mean that a concrete reason is needed, but giving them some inkling of what is happening/going to happen would go a long way in increasing the tension.) As it stands, the story feels like it could use quite a bit of re-working to polish it and work out some of the kinks. I would suggest taking your story to the writer's workshop (see deletion message above) for more feedback and assistance on your stories. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:45, October 11, 2015 (UTC)